If you’ve ever had your toddler throw themselves on the floor in the middle of the shopping centre, red-faced and yelling because you peeled the banana the wrong way, you’re not alone. Every parent has been there!
The challenges of tantrums
Tantrums can be tough on everyone. They can leave parents feeling helpless or judged, and children feeling just as confused and overwhelmed. It’s important to remember, tantrums are your child’s way of expressing frustration, discomfort, or unmet needs – especially before they’ve developed the skills to explain and understand how they’re feeling.
Most toddlers will have tantrums now and then. But when they happen often, last a long time, or involve aggressive or destructive behaviours, it may be a sign your child could benefit from additional support.
What triggers tantrums?
Toddlers experience big feelings in little bodies. Their brains are still developing the skills they need to manage frustration, follow instructions and regulate emotions.
The most perplexing things can set off a tantrum, but there are some common underlying triggers, including:
- Hunger or tiredness
- Sensory overload
- Feeling overstimulated, bored or anxious
- Struggles with communication
- Transitions (e.g. leaving the playground, bedtime)
- A need for attention or connection.
Tantrums vs meltdowns: what’s the difference?
While the terms are often used interchangeably, tantrums and meltdowns aren’t the same thing. Understanding the difference can help you respond in ways that are more likely to work.
Tantrums are usually a form of communication – albeit not a good one! Your child wants something (a toy, a snack, attention), and when they don’t get it, they express frustration through yelling, crying or throwing things.
- These outbursts often stop when the child:
- Gets what they wanted
- Realises the tantrum isn’t working
- Develops better skills, such as learning better ways to communicate or learning how to cope when things don’t go their way.
How do I feel? A dictionary of emotions for children
This is a great book for helping your child
recognise and understand their big feelings.
Meltdowns are different. While they might look similar to a tantrum on the surface, meltdowns aren’t about wanting something. Instead, they’re a sign that your child feels utterly overwhelmed by sensory overload, tiredness or stress and can’t manage these feelings anymore.
This can be linked to underlying neurodevelopmental conditions such as autism, ADHD, anxiety or sensory processing difficulties. If you have any concerns about your child’s development, speak to your GP about seeing a paediatrician for further information and tests.
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is an important skill. It means learning to manage strong emotions in healthy ways such as:
- Recognising and accepting difficult feelings – “This is frustrating.”
- Knowing when and how to speak up – “I don’t think it’s fair that you’ve chosen two games in a row. I think it’s my turn to pick.”
- Changing how you think about a situation – “I didn’t get the mark I wanted but I’ve still done well.”
Emotional regulation may also mean anticipating and avoiding certain situations. For example, if you know your child is too tired to handle the noise, bright lights and constant temptations of a shopping trip, then it may be wiser to postpone it to avoid a meltdown.
Supporting your child with emotional regulation
There are many ways to help your child learn how to manage their feelings.
Set a good (not a perfect) example
Your child learns from you so your typical responses to difficult situations matter.
No parent gets this right all the time! There are bound to be days when you’re impatient or cranky and that’s OK. But, wherever you can, try to name and explain your feelings. You can say things like:
- “I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to that”
- “I’m tired and it’s making me short-tempered about little things”
- “I’m frustrated at how hard this is. I’ll take a break and come back to it later.”
Help your child name their feelings
This sounds almost stupidly simple but it can really help your child’s development to say something like, “I can see that you’re upset because TV time is over for today. It’s hard when you’re enjoying a program and have to wait for the next episode, isn’t it?”
Let them feel what they’re feeling
This can be tough for parents but allow your child to feel upset. It’s OK for them to feel hurt, angry, upset, jealous etc. These feelings are a normal part of life and many different situations can trigger them.
You don’t need to ‘fix it’. You can simply empathise with them – and set boundaries such as “Even when we feel angry, we don’t hit.”
Be their safe space
When big feelings come, children need a safe place to express them. Try not to send them to their room to handle these powerful emotions alone. Instead, stay close by, maybe rubbing their back or giving them a cuddle if that seems to help.
Wait for them to calm down
You can’t address any issues when you’re child’s brain is overwhelmed with big feelings. Nor can you necessarily shorten a tantrum or meltdown – sometimes you just have to provide safety until it’s over.
When the storm has passed, you might be able to:
Ask questions like, “How could you handle that differently next time?”
Reinforce boundaries like, “It’s not OK to break your brother’s toys when you feel angry. You’ll have to use your pocket money to buy him a new one.”
Get help from Neurofit Brain Centre
If your child’s tantrums or meltdowns occur multiple times a day, last longer than 15 minutes or seem to be getting worse rather than improving with age, it may be time to seek professional support. These situations are not easy for parents to deal with and you don’t have to handle them alone.
At Neurofit, we’ll usually start with a discussion about your child’s behaviour and its impact on the family. Sometimes, we will conduct a non-invasive brain mapping scan to see if there’s an imbalance in any part of their brain that could be contributing to or exacerbating their tantrums or meltdowns. We want to find out if there are any sensory sensitivities, communication challenges or signs of neurodiversity that could be influencing your child’s behaviour.
From there, we can develop a personalised treatment plan to help your child. Each child and family is unique but your plan may include strategies to help your child understand their feelings, improve their frustration tolerance, soothe their senses and practise calming techniques in a supported space.
Disclaimer
All information is general and not intended as a substitute for professional advice.
References
- Tresillian, Toddler Tantrums, https://www.tresillian.org.au/toddler/behaviour/toddler-tantrums/, [Accessed 30 June 2025]
- Psychology Today, Emotional regulation, https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/emotion-regulation, [Accessed 30 June 2025]
- Raising Children, Helping children calm down ages 3-8, https://raisingchildren.net.au/school-age/behaviour/behaviour-management-tips-tools/helping-children-calm-down-3-8-years, [Accessed 30 June 2025]
